Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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