I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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