Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize