i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
