Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
