I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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