Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Randomize