lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
