Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
