With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
