Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
