doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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