My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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