I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
