I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
