If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
