Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
