I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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