Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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