Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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