I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
