i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
