Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
