i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
We had to coat check the pizza.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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