The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
