That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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