I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
