I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
