I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
