One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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