If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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