it's too hot outside to masturbate.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
