2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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