10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
