Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
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