It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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