Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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