Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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