i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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