I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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