We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
COCAINE IS GR8
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
