Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
