There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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