Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
