so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
