I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
