We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
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