I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
