His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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