I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
