not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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