put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
