She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
