That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
