mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
