eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
